I Wore Fake Nipples During a Date, and This Is What Happened

Hallie Gould

Here at Byrdie HQ, we think the idea of a “perfect body” is as outdated as snake-oil diet pills and spandex-clad workout icons. But that doesn’t mean we don’t talk about our bodies—the opposite, in fact. We’re all about body acceptance 24/7/365, but this week, we’re serving up some extra love: Meet Byrdie Body Week. Consider it a love letter to the weird and wonderful vehicles we inhabit, as well as a deep dive into all the body questions that plague us (such as Will my laptop really fry my ovaries?). We’ll also be spotlighting all that’s new in the product world (fake nipples—yeah, we’re going there). Let’s all agree to be a little kinder to our bodies this week (and month and year), no?

Nipples. They're a part of every human's body, and yet they elicit a response soaked in sexism and censorship. They're banned from Instagram (but only for women), and Anne Hathaway still cites her Prada dress from the 2013 Oscars (perhaps one of my all-time favourites for its minimalism and '90s neckline) as her worst dressed moment because it looked like her nipples were hard. A Twitter account was even created on her body's behalf. And let's not forget she won the Oscar that night.

It's simply ridiculous that this is still a thing, which is why I was delighted when a female entrepreneur reached out to me about her new products: faux nipples. As part of her mission statement, with every purchase, she donates a pair to a woman who has or is currently undergoing breast reconstruction. After reading her words, I realised I was absolutely game. We're conditioned to speak of these things only in hushed tones, but in the end, it's about body image and confidence (two topics I'll write about with openness and honesty until I develop carpal tunnel). Plus, I think nipples look sexy. Luckily, I had a date the same day I received the package and resolved to take them for a spin that night. Keep reading to find out what happened next.

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